Almost there..

My christmas break list is dwindling and the new year is drawing near. I need to make a list of what I want to accomplish for 2010. I think that I'm going to take on the 365 challenge on flickr-which'll be rough. It'll definitely push my creativity.



For now, that's all I got. I think I'll ponder on that list soon...

Oh, it's been a minute.

It's day four of break and already its been crazy. I've been to Taylor, IWU, cleared up old relationships, sewed... i've even finished up a season or two of 'Lost'. I'd say this is swell.

On the Christmas Break list I've got a few more things to cover. So before my computer dies I'd like to share...............

-Harry Potter Marathon
-Visit my Cosmetology school
-Finish season 4 of Lost
-learn how to knit
-find a longboard
-learn how to jerk
-cancel credit cards
-watch "Friday"
-read nine stories
-do some mad sewing


This would conclude my year so well.

"Love Has Left the Room"

I want to do something super creative and thought out on my last shot for my photography portfolio. I want to arrange it so it makes sense and pops.

Example number 1

Picture of the Day

I'm obsessed with Flickr, I've decided. Today I was looking through some random persons portfolio and found this. I love how creative people get.

Everything . . .

It's not like I couldn't have ever thought of this before, but it's interesting and I liked it. I'm hoping to get really creative with my photo comm assignment but I'm not sure what to do yet. It is supposed to be a portfolio of 3 or more images that relate to each other. Now, I could either challenge myself or just take a few usual portraits and be done... ...although this could quite possibly be very fun..

Cuteness

One of the many engagement pictures I took of my sister and Kyle.

Expectations

Awhile back I had a dream that my ex-boyfriend, Matt, kept telling me that I couldn't have high expectations. "You just can't have these expectations Angelica"..he'd tell me "..just don't have expectations". Now, I fully agree with that and then completely don't. I think that I've gotten morals and expectations entirely mixed up.

moral

of, pertaining to, or concerned with the principles or rules of right conduct or the distinction between right and wrong; ethical: moral attitudes.

expressing or conveying truths or counsel as to right conduct, as a speaker or a literary work; moralizing: a moral novel.

expectation

.	the act or the state of expecting: to wait in expectation.

the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.

an expectant mental attitude: a high pitch of expectation.

Keeping within my morals and then expecting everyone else to be along the same lines as I am is two different subjects at hand. I've gotten myself so mixed up with guys because I'd expect so much greatness out of them... although this is not such a bad thing, it's creating an unrealistic platform for them to reach. I can't help it, but it's entirely unfair. In the end the result of it all is just a broken hearted me..

So today, taking it into a different context...it was my Birthday. I expected nothing. Past birthdays have been filled with unsatisfying party's, lame gifts, and a step father unexpectedly leaving the house. I expect it to be so great and for everything to go my way. It is so controlled that I don't want anything to go wrong, but instead it seems like everything goes haywire.

Today? Such a great day. I let it flow..I let it be. I didn't really care about anything. Anything that was thrown my way was good. I loved it. I really appreciated my roommies today, and this week. I think that they just really care. I don't think they'll ever understand how much they mean to me and how much simple streamers and a gluten-free cake makes me feel like a million bucks. Friendship has never been so meaningful until now.

sooooo depressed

Some days it hits you *BAM* I'm not normal, I don't have things under control, I don't know what to do. Sometimes I just get in this stuck mode. I freak out about whats going on in my life and I can't seem to get ahead. There's too much to think about and accomplish that I'm just ready to throw in the towel and be done. I'm really sick of that. I want to know that I have things figured out and I'm ready to face everything. I'm going to fight this. I'm not going to just let my body fall apart and not do anything about it. I guess I have to be willing to do a thousand "trial & errors" to figure out what's up.

For now I just need to keep my head up, enjoy what's going on in my life.

Game Time

I just started intramural volleyball tonight and it was decently fun. Sports have always been a mental defeat for me. I'm not very good at them but I definitely have fun playing..so it's hard. Everyone around me is usually competitive and I'm in it just to hang out. I hate failing people. Once I start doing things wrong within a game I start feeling bad and I feel like everyone shuts me out. I love participating and feeling like I'm contributing.
Tonight I improved. I decided to chill out and not get so nervous when the ball is flailing my way. Also, when I made a wrong move I made sure to either laugh about it or just shake it off. It is super easy for me to dwell on something I did wrong.
I think that being apart of a team is super important. It's a great feeling when you're working together..failing or succeeding. I think that's one thing I missed out on during middle school and high school. I've been such an independent worker so I haven't quite figured out how to be apart of a team.
Let it begin.

So Defeated

You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed.
With a single pillow underneath your single head.
I guess you decided that that old queen was more space than you would need.
Now it's in the alley behind your apartment with a sign that says it's free.

And I hope you have more luck with this than me.

You used to think that someone would come along.
And lay beside you in the space that they belong.
But the other side of the mattress and box springs stayed like new.
What's the point of holding onto what never gets used?

Other than a sick desire for self abuse.

And I try not to worry, but you've got me terrified.
It's like we're in some kind of hurry to say goodbye, to say goodbye, to say goodbye.

You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed.
You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed

bad, gluten

My freakin body... when am i going to function normally? I've officially decided to be gluten free. For a few weeks at least. This is definitely going to be a pain. It's going to make me feel better though..I think? I think its worth a try to see if I have celiac disease, or something similar. I think if the doctors aren't going to figure out what's wrong with me, I will.

phew

Fall break is here and I'm exhausted. Exhausted from the week..but also from fall break. I seriously suck every moment that I can and it makes me crazy. It's only my second full day here and I feel like I've used every ounce of energy that my body contains. I'm ridiculous. I just don't want to waste a moment and there's always so much I want to do.

*sigh*

I'm off to sleep.

Freakin Linguistics

I love and hate school. Currently I am studying for a test but I just want it to be over. I think my classes are super interesting but I hate being tested over it. It's so nerve-racking, plus I'm not so great at testing. The things you have to do to get where you want to be..geesh.

This is what I was looking at during one of my study "breaks". It's about people who identify numbers or objects with colors. I think its pretty cool. It's called synaethesia. John Mayer has it and now it makes sense why he sings about the things he does..
Check it.
http://rulefortytwo.com/secret-rock-knowledge/chapter-1/john-mayer-color/

My favorite quote from that article was "Melody is color". It's beautiful for some reason.

A night out with the Girls

Tonight I went to 'Hacienda', a restaurant in Goshen, and it was with the girls from the salon. I think it's super interesting to see how environments sort of change the dynamics of things. I kinda don't know what to say out of a work context, but after awhile you just have to realize to simply be yourself. I just decided to have fun, relax, enjoy my time. It was nice to just hang out for a bit.

Even though I'm not from G-town and even though I'm extremely different from the rest of them, I've come to realize that as soon as I accept myself, they will accept me too. I liked that sense of belonging tonight. I felt like it was a "I know you and you know me" kind of time where we all were appreciating each other and just enjoying each others stories, enjoying what each other has to say.

I can't say that I've ever wanted to be the most popular person or the most well known, but I like to know where I stand. I like to know that I have some sort of place or specific spot that I fulfill. Like in the salon, they're beginning to know me. They're starting to see the skills and hobby's that I have and somewhat starting to understand who I am as a person. I try not to put on a fake show, I want to be at the same level as they are.

Anyways, enough thoughts on that. I'm super tired and I still need to finish my Linguistics homework.. oh college..


(...don't have any relative pictures to post or any recent ones for that matter. my computer is about to explode from all of the pictures that I have uploaded onto it...)

The Photographer

I'm an amateur, really..but today when I had an assignment for the Record (GC's campus paper) I felt like a legit photographer. It was a lot of fun and I took the assignment seriously. Sometimes I get into these really great classes or get involved in a really great project, but I don't run with it. I tend to just slack off or just not put my whole self into it. I want to work on that. I have really great opportunities in my life and I don't take full advantage of them.

This shot was my favorite from today. A group of business owners in the Goshen area got together for an "Environment Meeting" to discuss how they can be greener within the city. Great idea if you ask me. Anyways, a lot of them brought their lunch and I thought it was kinda funny. This guy apparently has a liking for peanut butter.

good weekend

This weekend turned out to be one of my favorites so far.

Friday night I went to First Fridays with an old friend. We walked around downtown, dressed up, and I (made him) learn how to swing dance with me. So fun. I think my favorite was when he said "this is so embarrassing". He was so genuine about it. I didn't feel bad..he needed to come out of his shell for a quick second.

Saturday I got up early for work and did makeup & hair all day. I had so much fun with the bridal party. They were so excited and all of them kept saying "do whatever you need to do" because they didn't know how to do their own makeup. I love making people feel good about themselves. ..Besides that, I got mad tips: 60 bucks. So sweet. Then Saturday night I went to a show to watch a Deaf comedian (Peter Cook). He was hilarious.



Sunday was once again Deaf filled. Me and my other two friends went to Deaf church and hung out at the picnic after wards. Everyone was super nice but it was kind of annoying that my hands and eyes weren't quite warmed up enough to carry on a few good conversation. That was discouraging.
...All together, the Indy trip was good. And I'd have to say as exhausting as it was, I had a ton of fun.

I'm ready to take on the world...

...well, not exactly, but I do feel better today. I got a chance to spend some quality time with the roomies last night, which made my day great. Even though I couldn't control the past few days, my mood & overall composure has improved and that's all that I can ask for.




As I told my counselor today "I think that I have to get up everyday and decide if I'm going to face that day or not..then again, I think everyone has to decide this"

My day

I think that what drives me crazy the most is feeling like I can't control my emotions. My feelings just consume me. I have all these feelings stuffed inside, yet, sorta empty. It turns the extroverted person I am into someone introverted.

I currently have no motivation...actually, this isn't current, this is reoccurring. I've felt fatigued, unmotivated and super out of it for days. I can't figure out if its the medication or just an "out of sync" phase. Whatever it is, I'm annoyed.



"Open up the curtains and let the sunlight in
I've been left inside with my mindseye"

More real & more accurate.

I haven't been keeping up with this blog at all...and, I've decided it's been entirely too general. Boo on all of that. I want to be honest now. I want to be more open and follow through everyday. From now on I'm sharing all thoughts. I mean, who follows this thing anyway? I think it's really for my own benefit.
As of today, I have been taking an antidepressant for a week now. I think it's going pretty well. I was opposed to medicine for so long, but I think that I've done all that I am capable of doing to help fix myself. My biggest improvements have been:
-drinking more water
-working out (at least 3 times a week)
-figuring out where all of my feelings are coming from
-staying on a consistent schedule
-getting more sleep
-taking vitamins B, D, C and a multi
-admit to my depression/problems

I'd have to say these are great things..especially because I've never done them before. I think that the last one of the list is the biggest. People are so scared to fail and scared of their own issues. I think that's why its the most important step, it's the hardest one.

It's about time..

First week of college. Phew! What a freakin week. Started moving my stuff in on Friday, moved in by Sunday, and started classes Wednesday. By the end of the week I was through my classes.. meeting new people AND, finding stray cats.
...Okay, A cat. The cutest thing in the world really. We named her Bella. I found her underneath an SUV. She was limping and her tail was super dirty. I brought her in our room and Menan says "Can we keep her???". I was so there with her, but, being that there is no pets allowed..this wouldn't have worked. So? We kept her for a night, she pooped everywhere, and then we found her a home. Worked out quite nicely : )

Anyways.. classes are great. This semester I am taking photo comm, oral comm, wellness, asl, and....the wonderful english linguistics. my fav. ...actually not too bad, just a very intense class.

SOON, I will have pictures posted up of the four of us roomies! We're hoping to take a "quad" family picture. So far it's been great with the four of us. We get along well and we are constantly doing things together. Tonight was movie night. We watched (Katy Perry's favorite movie apparently..) "Lolita", a disgusting movie. I would never recommend it. But, a fun time as always with the girls.

Also, just started my flickr.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/angelicakatherine/

...Post more soon. But for now, goodnight.

Hello Summer.

So, I just realized it was summer..like, yesterday. I think its weird: every year it hits me at the last minute and I see all of these things I should have done. So now? ..I'm making a list. I've honestly done quite a few things I've been wanting to do, and its been nice, even though every time someone asks what I've been up to I say nothing. I realize that must mean I'm probably really doing nothing, but don't believe what I say; I'm doing something.

So far I have painted my room...reorganized my stuff..painted a porch..spent time with family...babysat...started interning for an Interpreting company..it's all been really fun.

What I still want to do?
-completely clean out my car
-sew like a madman
-spend a day in chicago
-buy a canon rebel
-cook a few times with grandma
-go to a cheap concert
-...oh, and discovering extra coolness
.... the list is to be continued.

My recent photography

Okay, so I'm ready to update this thing..

It's been a good few months now and a ton has happened, yet I have failed to post anything on my own blog! Geesh..
My best friend just got married Friday night and WOW was that craAzy weird. She looked beautiful and I am so happy for her. It was a gorgeous night.

Since the summer has started I have painted my room, cleaned out my closet, and starting a few sewing projects. I am hoping to create some pretty unique things this summer as well as stitch up a few random pieces of clothing needing fixed. During the school year I never really had the chance to do much with the hobbies that I enjoy, like photography or sewing. I missed that. I missed being creative, but I never really had much energy for it after being at work and school.

On the weekends I go up to Goshen to work at the salon and during the week, I am here, in Fort Wayne. It's a lot of fun because I don't really have a job. So far I have babysatt, cut hair and soon I will be housesitting. It's been good to have a flexible week and pick up oddjobs around. I think its what I've needed...

Soon I will be starting to help out a group of interpreters in the Fort Wayne area with any job that they have. I think that it'll be important for me to stay involved and practicing my ASL throughout the summer if I want to stay committed to that major.

For Spring Break I went to Florida.

This was one of those trips that could go completely haywire or extremely great. I wasn't really sure what to expect. The 8 of us had been hanging out for awhile around campus, and..usually things are pretty great. We decided to go for it, plan a cheap trip, and have some fun.
We left right after classes on a Friday around 4. We all agreed that we didn't want to waste the extra money to stop at a hotel, so the plan was: drive through the night, rotate every 8 hours, make sure the passenger was always awake with the driver. After 5 stops and 21 hours of driving, the plan succeeded..we got there around 1 the next day.

Throughout the week we had an awesome time. Although my friend Ashley insisted we got up at 9 every morning..we relaxed, went to the beach, and of course went dancing. At one point in the week we almost went karaoking, but realize we were about to make a fool of ourselves... not that we hadn't already.. : )

Birthday Number 85

A lot of time has gone by and so much has happened. I have so many pictures and videos needing to be posted. Lets start from where we left off.

Christmas break was so good to relax and just enjoy my family. I ended up only working one day out of 3 weeks which never happens, so it made break even better. Once I got back from break I needed to establish a schedule. I have class everyday (Office Productivity, ASL, Deaf Culture, and Accounting<---ugh), babysitting from 4-5:30, and then study time in the Library from 7-9. Although I haven't completely stuck to this schedule, it has helped me stay motivated throughout the semester so far.

A few weeks ago I was in a talent show called kick-off. We performed the song "Doo-Wop (that thing)" It was really fun..I love getting on stage and just performing.

If you have a facebook, this is the link to watch the video that someone recorded of us.

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/video/video.php?v=1020305068750



Also, there is a production coming up called the "Gondeliers". I'm the hair designer of the set. The designers of the show decided on putting the time period in the 1950's instead of the traditional 1860's when it was originally created. This is an exciting opportunity because I'm actually in charge of the design and part of the crew. I've just begun to formulate ideas for now, but hoepfully everything will fall into place for the show.



Over the past few weeks I have been working with my friend, Abi, helping him with his photography portfolio. He is trying to get a full ride to a photography school in Chicago. Within his portfolio he has to have 14 different portrait shots and also several landscape shots. I am helping him with his design for hair and makeup as well as falling through with the photoshoot. Some of his work is posted here: http://www.goshen.edu/~abiat/